What are some funny and smart quotes?

“Everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army knife. That’s why no one messes with Switzerland.”

“There is no rule against postal workers dating women. It just works out that way.”

“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you’re really thinking about a mother.”

What's the most sordid activity you've ever seen or heard about at a bachelorette party?

“Ah just like all women. If they’re not turning down your proposal of marriage, they”re accusing you of suspicious behavior in the lingerie changing room.”

They did a study between postal workers and chimpanze...

My sister Tracy sent me these a little while ago. I thought I’d share them. Thanks Trace.

Have you ever heard of the god Priapus being the same as the god Phosphorus?

Few people had funnier or smarter quotes than Cliff Clavin from the TV show, Cheers.

“It’s a little known fact that the tan became popular in the Bronze Age.”

“It’s a little known fact that pigs are the smartest animal. Scientists say that if pigs had thumbs and a language that they could be trained to do manual labor. They give you 20 to 30 years of loyal service and then at their retirement dinner, you can eat them.”

How do I confess to my crush who had a traumatic past with his previous partner without losing the friendship?

“The human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Too much alcohol kills brain cells, especially the slower, weaker ones. So, regular consumption of beer eliminates the slower brain cells after you’ve had a few beers which will speed up your brain.”